The Law of Attraction Assembles Happy Relationships... Asking your relationship with any other to be the basis of buoying you up is never a good idea, because the Law of Attraction cannot bring to you something different from the way you feel. The Law of Attraction cannot bring you a well-balanced, happy person if you are not yourself already that. The Law of Attraction, no matter what you do or say, will bring to you those who predominantly match the person who you predominantly are. Everything that everyone desires is for one reason only: they believe they will feel better in the having of it. We just want you to understand that you must feel better before it can come to you.

In simple terms, if you are not happy with yourself, or with your life, the attraction of a partner will only exaggerate the discord, because any action taken from a place of lack is always counterproductive.

--- Abraham

Excerpted from Abraham's newest book, The Vortex, Where the Law of Attraction Assembles All Cooperative Relationships

Let us know what you think by leaving a comment.

Michele McCarthy (of The McCarthy Show) and I collaborate on many ideas including the posts for the series Difficult Bosses.  Michele and her husband, Jim McCarthy, provide executive and teamwork consulting utilizing the results from research conducted in their teamwork laboratory, "BootCamp."  Two nights ago, Michele and I talked about the Difficult Bosses series by phone.

Pixie:  So Michele, to you, the bosses that I’ve discussed so far in the Difficult Bosses series are annoying bosses, not truly difficult bosses?

Michele:  Yes.  If people came to me with those types of complaints, I would just give advice about how to deal with them.

Pixie:  Then how would you describe a truly difficult boss?

Michele:  Some of the characteristics of a truly difficult boss:

• won’t fire people
• won’t promote based on merit
• values loyalty without regard to merit

Loyalty without regard to merit means a truly difficult boss will promote someone regardless of the results just because he’s loyal to that employee or because that employee is loyal to him.

Pixie:  That’s like returning to the same barber over and over again even though he gives you a bad haircut.

Michele:  Exactly.  A truly difficult boss is also very parental.

Pixie:  Can you give an example? 

Michele:  Truly difficult bosses think their job is to control their employees as if they were unruly children. For example, they spend a lot of energy "containing" or saying "no."  Furthermore, they think they carry their job title because they’re smarter or better in some dimension.

Pixie:  Well, aren’t they better or smarter? 

Michele:  99 percent of organizations aren’t rational enough to promote someone to boss because they’re smartest or best.  Come to think of it, I challenge anyone to define "smartest" or "best."  That’s an arrogant point of view to begin with.  Frequently, difficult bosses are the boss simply because they wanted to be the boss so people would do what they say.

Pixie:  So it's all about power. 

Michele:  Yes, for the difficult bosses we are discussing at the moment, the primary motivator I perceive is a dark version of power.

Also, a truly difficult boss consciously or unconsciously sabotages or won’t promote people who they are afraid are “smarter” or “better.”  The way to highlight this is to contrast the difficult boss with a perfect boss.  A perfect boss loves someone who is “smarter” or “better” because they understand their job is to get results so they see someone who has some virtue as helpful to attaining their goals.  Consequently, the perfect boss supports and gives more attention to employees that show the most potential.

The darkest bosses will promote those who are loyal but who, in their mind, pose no threat.

Pixie:  What I hear you saying is that a truly difficult boss isn’t focused on results.  He or she is focused on power.

Michele:  Right. I also think if a boss doesn’t stop great things from happening, then you’re fine.  It’s the stopping greatness that defines a difficult boss.

Pixie:  So all the other things that I’ve discussed about difficult bosses are really about emotional boundary issues?

Michele: At least a large part are, yes. If a boss doesn't stop you from doing great things, just ignore the annoying parts. Do great things. Don't use the boss as an excuse. However, if you have a "truly difficult" boss, I recommend getting a new boss.

What are your thoughts?  Is your boss a truly difficult boss who stops you from doing great things or is he just an annoying boss?  How do you put the "courage to change" into action in your workplace relationships?

When you're in a dysfunctional relationship with someone who is manipulative or an alcoholic/addict, you may find yourself repeatedly in a conflict that you were determined to avoid! Then once again you feel anger, anxiety, or depression. "What happened?" you ask yourself. "How can I be here again?"

Alcoholics/addicts and manipulative personalities know how to fish. Any good fisherman takes a tackle box full of extra hooks, lures, lines, and sinkers. Upon arriving at the lake, the fisherman attaches a hook and the lure he thinks the fish will like best. After a while, if the fish aren't biting on the first lure, the fisherman changes the bait. He changes the bait until he finds something the fish will bite or he gives up.  So it can be with conflict-ridden relationships.

Years ago I was dating a man who bought a house.  The house was mostly empty except for a few bare essentials in furniture.  He commented that he needed to get more furniture and some things for his house. I offered to go furniture shopping with him but he rejected the offer. I argued for a while, trying to get my way, but he adamantly rejected the idea. My feelings were hurt but I accepted what he wanted.

A couple of weeks later we repeated the pattern. He started talking about decorating his house and invited me to discuss it. I offered to help him. He rejected the offer. We argued until I gave up. Again my feelings were hurt.

The next time he invited me to the house decorating discussion, I kept silent. He continued the dialog by himself and I just listened. For a moment he was confused but kept talking about buying furniture.

After a while, he changed the subject to something I couldn't resist - picking out art. He asked for my opinion. Excitedly, I jumped from where I was sitting to the love seat, where I could sit close to him. I offered to help him. He firmly said, "no." I was stunned, hurt, and speechless.

He changed the bait! He was so clever that he changed it to something I couldn't resist.  I swallowed the lure like an eager fish. All he had to do was reel me in.

What is the solution? Don't expect a fisherman to quit fishing. That's what he does. Just become a smarter, less hungry fish.

 
Photo courtesy of Bob Jagendorf on Flicker.com

A couple of things started this series of blog posts about difficult bosses.  One was working with a friend who had a difficult boss.  The other was listening to podcasts of The McCarthy Show about Boss/Employee Relationships.  Jim & Michele McCarthy, in an intelligent and humorous way, discuss the characteristics of the "perfect boss".

The second part of the Serenity Prayer is "courage to change the things I can".  Reframing our own expectations is part of that change.  It's not about being right or wrong.  It's about moving a little to the left or to the right, to see things from a different perspective.  The McCarthy podcasts are about changed perspectives.  I don't know about you but change takes courage for me!

Here's a short list of what was mentioned in the first podcast about Boss/Employee Relationships. The perfect boss:

• Only pays attention to those who get results.
• Is an adult who believes in the individual's responsibility for personal welfare.
• Arranges for you to have a paycheck.
• Pay according to merit.
  
• Doesn't listen to gossip or complaints about someone.
• Invites you to leave if your job is painful to you.
• Expects you to work (produce results) and communicates his expectations clearly.
• Does not reward trying, only rewards results.
• Prefers status updates to waiting or asking for permission.
  
• Is always too busy for a crisis and never too busy for connection.

You really have to listen to the podcast to hear Jim & Michele sharing this information.  After listening to the podcasts, I talked to Michele McCarthy about it to confirm my understanding of what was being said.

My summary:  The perfect boss doesn't reward you for your feelings.  The perfect boss cares about what you do.  A perfect boss expects you to show up for work to do a job and get results.  The perfect boss is an adult and expects you to be an adult.

If you have identified any role you may be playing in a relationship with difficult dynamics and have taken steps to change that role, then it's time to talk about how to cope with a boss who is not the perfect boss.

Remember the Serenity Prayer?  It totally applies to a relationship with a difficult boss.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Now it's time to put that Universal Principle into action on the job.  What do you need to accept that you cannot change?  You cannot change your boss.  You can teach them how to treat you after you are certain that your side of the sidewalk is clean.  Is it?

• Do you show up for work on time with a good attitude prepared to work? 
  
• Do you spend your day being productive or getting results? 
• Have you learned to resolve your feelings? 
• How much time do you spend surfing the internet? 
• Playing solitaire?  Personal phone calls? 
  
• Gossiping or complaining?
• Do you give your employer a dime for his nickel?
• Do you show up for work to see what you can give rather than what you can get?

Years ago when I worked in law firms, I was always surprised when I walked up behind another staff member to find him playing solitaire on the computer.  I had a heavy work load and multiple deadlines.  I didn't even know where the games were on the system.  Yet I could not judge or criticize.  My slate was not totally clean.  I made personal phone calls. 

In another firm one of the staff members was very social.  Her role in that firm was one of counselor and adviser to the other staff members about their personal problems.  Their continued visits to her desk disrupted the work flow and her productivity.  Her boss asked her to stop visiting so much.  She was outraged and hurt.  It wasn't her fault.  What was she supposed to do?

In both cases it was not unreasonable for the boss to ask for more productivity and less personal business on his time.  In my instance, all I needed to reduce the personal phone calls. 

In the other person's case, she needed to set boundaries around her time at work with a simple, "I'm in the middle of something.  Can we discuss this later?"

If you're sure you're doing a good job, not bringing your old personal wounds to work, and being a good employee, the next post is about helping you reframe your idea of the characteristics of a perfect boss.

Seeking support is a means of gaining a different perspective on dealing with a difficult boss.  I don't mean sitting around the break room complaining or gossiping.  You know who to talk with get sympathy.  Who do you talk with to get solutions?

If you can't identify your role in the relationship dynamics with a difficult boss, ask for help.  There are professional coaches, counselors, consultants, ministers, psychologists - a wide range of professionals who can objectively help you identify your role and work with you to develop new behaviors to help you cope with conflict in the workplace.  Choose who attracts you the most.

In an office environment, I worked in law firms, usually in high responsibility secretarial or legal assistant positions.  The characteristics of the type of bosses I worked with were manic, driven, and demanding perfectionists.  It takes a certain type of personality to become an attorney and it takes a certain type of personality to support one.

One of the things I learned about myself was through Carolyn Myss's book, Sacred Contracts.  In the back of that book is an index of different archetypes characteristics.  One of my archetypes was that of a Sidekick:  someone who provides support for another person of greater power.  I immediately got a resentment when I identified with that archetype but it perfectly explained my vocation at the time and why I was good at it.

If you need more information or support in finding what role you play in difficult dynamics with a boss, feel free to contact me.

Photo courtesy of Larlo from Flickr.com.

Your life is right now! It's not later! It's not in that time of retirement. It's not when the lover gets here. It's not when you've moved into the new house. It's not when you get the better job. Your life is right now. It will always be right now. You might as well decide to start enjoying your life right now, because it's not ever going to get better than right now--until it gets better right now!

--- Abraham

 

If you're feeling like a victimized by a difficult boss, the first place to look for a solution is within yourself.  Remember, according to the Law of Attraction, we attract experiences and relationships that help us grow.

The last post, Get Your Unreasonable Boss Right-Sized, was an exercise in helping you change your perspective and to level the playing field in your mind.  Some things look better from a distance.  Moving back emotionally allows you to put some spiritual space between your and a difficult situation.  From that point, it's time to take a deeper look at you.

• What are your expectations of your boss?
• Does (s)he remind you of one of your parents?
• Are you replaying a childhood role in your relationship?
• Are your boss's expectations really unreasonable?
• What lessons are you supposed to learn from this relationship?

If your boss hurts your feelings, it's time to put one of the most valuable recovery principles into action:  "It's a spiritual axiom that any time I am disturbed, there is something wrong with me."  What is it?

• Is it my personal insecurity?
• Is it fear of losing my job?
• Is it my pride; do I have a problem with authority?
• What is it that if I would release it, I would be free?
• Again, how is this relationship meant to help me grow?

 

This is a little interlude in the Boss Series to share some the simple principle that nothing is lost in the Universe.  How many times have you lost your car keys, a necklace, or something else; launched into a frantic search and never found it?  Would you believe it's the "frantic" part of the search that keeps things lost? 

During a discussion with my friend, Loren Greiff, of NorthshoreInsider.com, she mentioned that she lost her camera.  She retraced her memory path but couldn't find it so she bought a new camera.

I shared with Loren that "nothing is lost in the Universe"*.  Just because we can't see it doesn't mean it's lost.  Then I told Loren a story.  Years ago when I was attending Columbus State Community College for massage therapy, I lost my wallet.  After retracing my memory path, the last time I remembered seeing it was in the back parking lot of the college.  Immediately, I started thinking, "nothing is lost in the Universe.  Nothing is lost in the Universe!"  Then let it go.  The next morning I parked in my usual spot.  No wallet was to be found.  The next logical step was to go to the lost & found department.  While I was standing in line at student services to ask about my wallet, my cell phone rang.  They were calling me to say they had my wallet.  It was returned with everything in it - even the money. 

Back to Loren.  Here's the thread from FaceBook:

Later I received a message that said that another friend of Loren's friends found something important to him.

If you pick up on this thought, NOTHING IS LOST IN THE UNIVERSE, and something amazing happens for you, please leave a comment and tell us your story.

*A lot of people may want to take credit for this affirmation.  I can't.  I can't even remember if I first learned it from Louise Hay, What the Bleep, Emmett Fox, religious upbringing, Carl Jung or in a chemistry class when I learned that energy can neither be created nor destroyed.

Photo courtesy of Higgett, Flickr.com

One of the first tricks to learn when coping with tyrannical behavior from your boss is to get him right-sized in your mind.  You can never assess a situation clearly when you’re filled with anxiety and panic.

Chances are that if your boss’s behavior is unreasonable with you, it’s unreasonable with others too but if you’re in the direct line of fire, you can receive the brunt of her sarcasm and anger.  If you feel like a victim, then you’ve perfectly aligned with someone to perpetuate that feeling.

Year ago I worked for a brilliant director in a company whom I really liked on a personal level.  At work it was a different story.  When he was happy, the whole office was happy.  If he was stressed, he was irritable and demanding.  The entire office would tip-toe around his bad mood until it passed. 

Since I was in the direct line of fire, most of his irritability came at me full force.  When my boss was stressed, all signs of civility disappeared.  Each task was given to me in a rush.  Any mistakes I made were met with derision and anger.  At the beginning of the relationship, I coped with his bad moods by meeting them head on.  Later in our relationship, I went through a life changing event that left me vulnerable and defenseless to any attack from anybody, not just my boss. 

Instead of coping with the stress of the job and his stress like an adult, I would cower and internalize the stress as my personal pain.  He had not changed.  I had. To tell the truth, the workplace was not the only area of my life where I felt like a victim.  I was in victim mode.  If I was to continue working with my boss, I had to develop new coping skills.  The first one I learned was to get him right-sized in my mind.

A friend suggested I imagine him in a diaper.  Well that may have been appropriate because his behavior was often similar to a two year old’s tantrum, but the visual was a little repulsive to me.  I had to find something that worked for me. 

Eventually, I settled on a popular Bud Light commercial that depicted two bearded men dressed in flowery dresses and hats pretending to be women so they could get a beer during ladies’ night.  Ever time my boss would act inappropriately, I would envision him in a hat and dress.  That little trick helped take the edge off the panic I felt every time I thought I was being attacked.  Later the relationship changed and I once again was able to interact like an adult.  He had not changed.  I had.

My challenge to you is to find a means to get your boss right-sized in your mind.  This doesn’t mean to criticize and judge your boss, it means to find a mental image that is less threatening to you.
 
Photo courtesy of T Buchtele via Flickr.com.