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In this post, we're addressing mental and emotional fear, not physical threat to our lives.
When we are afraid, often we must go deeper within ourselves to discover our true fear. This point was driven home in the story of a woman who was seeking help with an intense fear of flying. When she sought help to overcome her fear, the counselor said, "First get clear on what you're afraid of. You're not afraid of flying. You're afraid of crashing!"
Often women that I coach about relationships are afraid of losing their current relationship, even if it's bad for them. When we dig beneath the surface, the fear beneath the fear is that they are afraid no one will ever want them again; they'll be alone for the rest of their lives; and, even deeper is the fear that there is something fundamentally wrong with them and they are unlovable.
There are other fears like being afraid to speak in public, flying, fear of water, fear of intimacy . . . . In the end I think that we all fear death - either physical death or the death of our ego; the death of core beliefs that we use to create the fabric of our lives. Think about it, how often have you spent hours, days or months being afraid of an event that when it happened, wasn't all that bad?
Years ago my list of fears included that insane fear of being unlovable and it included bizarre things like driving my car in thunder & lightening driving across long bridges. When I thoroughly investigated my fear and became more self-aware, those things were not my true fear. Beneath that fear was a fear of dying. Even deeper was a fear of going to hell because I thought I had been so bad.
Gradually by asking that my fear be removed and taking actions contrary to the way I felt, the fear left me.
One day I was driving home from work in rush hour traffic during a torrential downpour. Traffic was moving slow. Visibility was limited. The sound of the rain was deafening. Driving under a freeway overpass there was a momentary hush as if someone had switched off the rain for a moment. The moment was surreal. I smiled. Driving into the pounding rain again, I realized that I wasn't afraid. The fear of driving through a storm had left me.
You would think that when a feeling of fear that intense leaves it would make a loud popping sound or something! Instead it left quietly. It was gone before I knew it.
Will you blog about being curious about and stepping in to what we're afraid of and how that's better than trying to avoid it? I've been working on an Aikido move called irimi which is literally "stepping into" an attack, and then seeing things from the attacker's perspective. I'd like to hear your thoughts!
Stepping into Fear
Michele and I discussed this briefly last night because it's such an interesting concept. Through her work with the Core Protocols and in Bootcamps, Michele has devised a number of strategies to step into an attack during a Bootcamp. As we were discussing the issue of fear, we talked about the difference between fear generated by a verbal attack and fear related to physical safety. First we will discuss fear related to our physical safety.
Our physical bodies are designed with a wonderful survival mechanism known as the sympathetic nervous system. When we feel threatened the sympathetic nervous system kicks into action without our voluntary thought. Our eyes dilate to allow in more light. Our airways dilate to allow more oxygen to flow. Our heart rate increases. Physical systems that we don't need like our digestive system shut down to allow blood & oxygen to flow to our muscles. Adrenaline floods our system. Our physiology becomes poised and ready to either fight or take flight.
In this case your body, mind, and spirit must be in sync to "step into the attack." Logically your mind says, "I've read the manual, listened to the instructor, and practiced the moves." Then when the time comes, still you hesitate. You feel fear. The mind says, "Step into the attack" and your body says, "Are you crazy?! We're going to get hurt!" Your body balks even though your mind says "go!"
In the case of physical fear it's a leap from fear to curiosity. It is through the discipline of mind and spirit through training and practice that an athlete or a warrior overcomes fear. For the athlete it means victory. For the warrior, it can mean the difference between life and death. During the battle there is no thought or feeling there is only a state similar to the state of "flow."
Avoiding That Which We Fear
Energetically/spiritually there is no avoiding that which we fear. The more we fear something, the more we bring it right to our doorstep to teach us whatever lessons in courage, and faith that we need to learn. It is only through faith that we have courage in the face of fear. If we didn't have fear, we would need no courage, no faith. Can you acknowledge and embrace the ultimate utility of fear?
Strategies
Here are some strategies to help you step into the attack:
Ask that the fear be removed.
Breathe & center, quieting the mind.
Practice & train. Practice & train.
Reframe your belief. In Aikido (from what I understand) you will be stepping into the attack to not only see things from the attackers perspective and defend yourself but to also protect the attacker from harm.
Personal Experience
My personal experience with a disconnect between my mind and body has been with the recent ACL reconstruction on my left knee. After weeks of physical therapy, I can do many normal things easily like walking and stairs. I trust that I can walk. The disconnect comes when my body feels so good that it says, "Let's run across the parking lot." My head says, "Let's not." Or when my head says, "Let's run down the hallway," and my body says, "Not yet." Rather than criticizing myself, I remind myself that is the purpose of physical therapy.
For the most part, I have been avoiding situations that will hurt my knee. My fear came to my doorstep the other day when I was outside weeding the garden. I stepped onto a large flat rock and slipped. My head said, "Your knee is going to give out! You're crashing!" My knee held steady; it said, "No, trust me. I'm fine."
Pixie: Last time you suggested we talk about the drama we create as an excuse to change. When we first talked about creating drama, you mentioned that it was a fear of saying "goodbye."
Michele: Yes, humans, or at least Americans, seem to have trouble with endings and they create drama rather than ending something gracefully.
Pixie: It would be interesting to find out if other cultures exhibit the same behavior.
Michele: I agree. It would be fascinating to know about other cultures that handle endings in a dignified way.
Pixie: I think we're trained to create that drama from birth. Have you ever watched a new mother say "goodbye" to her infant. There is all this drama of hugging, kissing, "I'll miss you", backward glances . . . Then when the child is old enough to exhibit separation anxiety, the drama escalates. If the mother cannot bring herself to walk out the door and returns to the crying child, the drama continues.
Michele: I've never thought about the connection to early childhood separations, but I think that's a good insight. I think that is an example of the cultural lack. In other words, we don't have a cultural mode wherein we teach our children that endings are part of life and how to accomplish them gracefully. We don't teach by example and we don't teach explicitly.
Pixie: Exactly, and we infer that happiness without togetherness is wrong.
Michele: Also, if you think about the behavior around endings, people will focus on the drama. That's what will get discussed or that's where the attention goes and nobody pops up a level and says, "Wait a minute. I didn't handle ending this well" or, "Boy, she is uncomfortable with saying 'goodbye'." Instead we stay at the shallow level of "Can you believe he did that? What a jerk!" Or we obsess about a breakup and keep almost breaking up or we refuse to fire someone until it's a huge mess.
Pixie: We have to construct a fable to do what we want to do. I've seen people create illnesses and injuries as excuses to change. The change needed sometimes is as simple as stopping to rest.
Michele: Yes, I've seen this too. I have done that quite a few times actually.
Pixie: Me too! I remember working like a madman on projects and neglecting my self-care. Sooner or later I would get sick and be forced to take care of myself.
Michele: Freud taught that we repress what is uncomfortable or unacceptable and we hide it behind defensive behaviors and thoughts. In this case the unacceptable feelings are around leaving or ending a relationship.
Pixie: How do we relate this to the courage to change bosses?
Michele: When we are unwilling to face an ending, we create the drama to distract us from the unacceptable feelings associated with the ending. I would say this relates to changing bosses in two ways. First, if you know at a gut level you are going to be leaving a boss, allow yourself to feel the feelings of the loss. Allow yourself to know that you are going to leave. And secondly, most importantly, commit to yourself to leave gracefully without hurting yourself or others. Ask for help to ensure that you do so in a calm, thoughtful way.
Pixie: Let's describe a scenario; an example of creating drama as an excuse to change bosses.
Michele: An example would be that your unconscious has decided you can not tolerate your current boss any longer. Instead of consciously ending your work with that boss, you create some type of drama. For instance, you might get sick which forces the boss to fire you or move you to another job.
Pixie: Or you might sabotage yourself by missing a deadline? Causing a conflict?
Michele: Right. You might even set up a scenario where you decide the boss was abusive and you are going to sue him. That's very common. I had an employee once who did the work assigned but clearly had no passion for it. He obviously had passion for other work. So one day he came to me and asked for a raise and then listed all the types of work he didn't want to do for me anymore. I tried to explain that it was not a rational solution. I was not going to pay more for less, and he should go work on what he was passionate about. But I think he was afraid to leave the security of the weekly paycheck. So, I eventually had to fire him. He was enraged with me, threatened to sue, etc. That was one of the incidents that made me realize the pattern of drama involved with endings. It was clear to me he wanted to work at another job but he couldn't just pack up and gracefully say "goodbye." He had to create chaos.
Pixie: Like the chaos I talked about earlier in the mother/child scenario. I think it's learned behavior.
Michele: Yes, I felt pressure to be parental in that instance. It was as if I was expected to be his mother and fund his new career and he was enraged that I wouldn't take care of him anymore. However, I had no parental feelings towards him, so I just felt frustrated that business wasn't getting taken care of. Time and energy was getting wasted on the drama.
The drama was designed by the employee to create an ending. It was just a messy design.
Notably, that incident crystallized my initial Boss/Employee ideas. So it actually was a gift. I was so frustrated by the irrational behavior that I figured out what was bothering me about it.
Pixie: It takes courage to know and say what you want without creating chaos. Most of the time I would leave jobs without drama. I would give two weeks notice and remain friends with some people later.
Michele: That's really good and pretty unusual. I leave quietly now, but in the past I've caused my share of drama in business, in love, in friendships.
Leave us your comments. How have you created drama or chaos around change? How would you handled an employee's drama?
How many times have you raced down the road of a new relationship to end up a wreck?
Keep It Under 80 and Watch Out for the Other Guy
The best relationship advice I ever received was meant to be a joke, not advice especially about relationships. Every time we said goodbye, a friend of mine would say, "Keep it under 80 and watch out for the other guy."
Isn't that great advice for a new relationship? Keep it under 80. Don't move in with someone after a month. Go slow. Watch out for curves in the journey. Stay in your lane.
Watch out for the other guy. This relates to the post about the orange barrels in relationships that warn of rough road ahead. When love hits like a steam roller, common sense flies out the window. Even in marriage or other long-term relationships, the road can be rocky during times of constructive growth.
Take a deep breath. Slow down. Know yourself and take the time to know the other guy.
Driving along the freeway the other day I saw a row of orange barrels marking a change in the traffic pattern. A large sign announced, "Construction Area". Drivers are trained to pay attention to the orange barrels. We know that something's going to change. We're entering a stretch of road that could be dangerous if we don't pay attention. We could hit a construction worker if we don't slow down.
There are orange barrels in relationships too. Markers, events, attitudes that warn us that we're about to enter a construction zone in the relationship. A zone where we may need to slow down, look alert for our own safety, or the safety of others. If we're not paying attention, we won't see the warning signs and end up in a relationship wreck.
What kind of orange barrels are we talking about?
In one instance, I was introduced to a man by a mutual friend. He was handsome and he was employed. The latter of which had become a requirement for dating me. My friend knew this man from seeing him at a local bar. When we started dating, I began meeting his friends. They would tell me stories of his being drunk and falling asleep in their bathtub. They told stories of his being drunk and wrecking his motorcycle. They told me dozens of drinking stories that were orange barrels, warning signs.
Yet I didn't see the barrels! He was handsome. He was charming. He didn't drink every day and I never really saw him drunk when we were dating. How could those drinking stories be orange barrels warning me of rough road ahead?
What about other relationships? Friendships? Workplace relationships? Are there orange barrels there? I believe there are.
Some of the orange barrels I have experienced included a new friend who would create emotional drama within group situations to get her own way. The entire group was afraid of upsetting her so they went along with what ever she wanted. I got caught up in that drama! Looking back, I could see all the warning signs were there to forecast the event. I just thought our friendship was stronger than her need for drama.
Whenever orange barrels appear in relationships, we have choices. We can slow down, stay in our lane, and watch for rough road ahead. We can choose to take the first exit. We can look for an alternative route.
In what instances have you ignored the warnings signs in a relationship and not followed the signs? How have you coped?
Are you emotionally involved with your hopes and dreams?
I came across a video by Bob Proctor on www.sixminutestosuccess.com that started my thinking about emotional involvement. There have been times in my life when I was emotionally involved with everyone except me! Watch this video to learn how emotional involvement with yourself can help you grow your life and teach others how to do the same.
As I was driving up the freeway this morning, I saw two signs on either side of the road that said, "STAY IN LANE."
I thought, "Those should be posted everywhere!"
My Life Recovery journey has included learning to stay in my own lane. By living that simple traffic rule, I have been able to sustain my own peace and happiness even when I've been surrounded by other people's chaos and drama.
How do you stay in your lane? By minding your own business - mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
What happens when we don't stay in our lane in relationships? There is an emotional collision. We cut someone off and they get a resentment.
Mentally we can stay in our own lane by not worrying or obsessively thinking about someone else and her problems. We mind our own mental business, staying in the present moment and focusing our mental energy on tasks we can accomplish. We learn that we don't have to share every thought we think. We learn that we aren't mind readers either. How many times have you heard yourself say, "I know what you're thinking"?
Emotionally staying in your lane is all about detachment. Life recovery means being adult enough to know at our core that we get to choose how we're going to think about something and thereby choose how we're going to feel about it. It's learning that we can never feel enough pain in our hearts to change someone else or to heal their pain. It is only by remaining steady in our own emotional being that we can teach someone to be steady in theirs.
Spiritually we stay in our lane by minding our own spiritual business. What would that look like? It means not preaching about spiritual principles and simply leading by the clarity of our example. If we are all one and we are all on a spiritual journey, who are we to judge another?
Make up your mind that nothing is more important than how I feel now, because now is everything. Now is the whole enchilada. Now is the power of me. Now, now, now, now, now... You might as well start somewhere, and it might as well be now. Why not start improving your life now, now, now?
Have you ever received a Cosmic Postcard, a message from the Universe from a source totally unrelated to whatever issue you were working on? I received a Cosmic Postcard from Mari Smith on Facebook the other day when she quoted Kevin Nations as saying, "Winners take imperfect actions."
A few days ago, I gave a presentation about the basics of Twitter to the CREW, Commercial Real Estate Women. Later the mistakes I made were pointed out to me.
On the back of the brochure for Enigma Wellness, my first name was spelled wrong and on a slide that referenced the book, Outliers, I had Malcolm Gladwell's name wrong. For some reason, I had put Malcolm McDowell. Two mistakes! That's not to mention that I had to borrow someone else's laptop to even do the presentation because the AV output cord wouldn't fit my MacBook.
Yes, I was embarrassed. How can you spell your own name wrong? But I wasn't embarrassed for long. Why? Because I am learning. At the end of the day I knew that I needed to purchase two pieces of equipment, an adapter and an internet card, to effectively use my MacBook for presentations. I went back to my material to correct my name and Malcolm Gladwell's name. I thanked the person who pointed out my mistakes and encouraged her to always correct me because it would help the group and let it go.
Then the video by Mari Smith popped up on my newsfeed in Facebook. Mistakes or not, I knew that I was in alignment; that I am a winner with imperfect actions.
How do you handle your mistakes? How long do you wallow in self-deprecation? How does the fear of making mistakes trap you into not following your dreams?
Michele McCarthy (of The McCarthy Show) and I collaborate on many ideas including the posts for the series Difficult Bosses. The other night when we were talking about applying the Serenity Prayer to workplace conflict and difficult bosses, Michele mentioned, "the courage to change bosses."
What if you've done all that you can to change your perception and your boss is truly a difficult boss as defined by Michele's No. 1 Criteria - your boss stops you from doing great things? Then it's time for the courage to change bosses.
Pixie: Why do you think it takes courage to change bosses?
Michele: I think a lot of people think of their workplace as their home instead of a place of business. Home feels safe and you don't want to leave that warm, comfy safety, so you put up with a lot of mediocrity to avoid making a change.
Pixie: I work with clients who agonize over making decisions for fear of making a mistake. I reassure them that there are no mistakes; just new decisions.
Michele: I tell my clients that I would expect they would make mistakes if they are growing. And mistakes are when you learn. For me at least, I have had the biggest growth spurts after making big mistakes.
Pixie: What I hear you saying about a bad work situation is that people fail to act in order to avoid discomfort. And some people get locked up for fear of making a mistake.
Michele: "Mom, I don't want to go to school, it's scary out there. I can't make a decision what to wear, so I'll have to stay home from school today."
Pixie: We think we're safe if we stay put. We fear the unknown.
Michele: I also think we love sameness, ritual, and tradition.
Pixie: I know others who change jobs too much because they get bored without the chaos of change.
Michele: Yes, chaos junkies. I don't have many clients with that issue, but I have seen it. I think it's more common to avoid change, though.
Pixie: Yes, traditions, rituals, sameness makes us feel secure. Courage in this sense, to change bosses, is like a leap of faith. How do you move your clients toward that change?
Michele: I ask them what they want. I investigate in detail what they have now and what they want. Only they can decide whether they are willing to change.
Pixie: Yes, it is much better when we know what we want.
Michele: Deconstructing what they have and why they have it usually helps them make better decisions. I talk to them about their feelings too.
Pixie: For example, you'd ask "How do you feel about where you are now compared to where you want to be?"
Michele: Right. You have to repress a lot of feelings to stay in a mediocre job. When you are aware of your feelings, it is easier to take action. Anger, for example, is a great motivator in a mature adult.
Pixie: I think it was easier for me when I left the legal field because it had changed from a career that I enjoyed to a job that was a means of making money. But I was looking for a calling; some way to be of service and to make a contribution.
Michele: Yes, I like those categories. That's a useful structure for people to think about: Do you have a job, a career, or a calling?
Pixie: I didn't need courage to change. The change came to me when my department was closed. I was in alignment with that event.
After identifying my clients' desires (often they don't know what they want), I try to help them move into alignment with those desires. When we are in alignment with our desires, the change takes place organically.
Michele: Yes, it becomes a flow if the resistance is low.
Pixie: Resistance is low when we have clarity. It's the murky middle that takes courage. In recovery the opposite of fear is faith. A saying used in recovery is that "all men of courage have faith". The truth for me is that I don't even need faith or courage unless there is fear. It is the fear that creates the need for courage.
Michele: Yes, that's right. And having a great life takes courage.
Pixie: My clients ask how to have courage; how to have faith. My response is - ask, listen, receive, take action. People seem to believe faith is a feeling. For me, trust is the feeling that I get when I take actions of faith.
Michele: Next time, let's talk about the drama we create as an excuse to change.
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How many times have you raced down the road of a new relationship to end up a wreck?
Driving along the freeway the other day I saw a row of orange barrels marking a change in the traffic pattern. A large sign announced, "Construction Area". Drivers are trained to pay attention to the orange barrels. We know that something's going to change. We're entering a stretch of road that could be dangerous if we don't pay attention. We could hit a construction worker if we don't slow down.
Have you ever received a Cosmic Postcard, a message from the Universe from a source totally unrelated to whatever issue you were working on? I received a Cosmic Postcard from Mari Smith on Facebook the other day when she quoted Kevin Nations as saying, "Winners take imperfect actions."
