A happy life is just a string of happy moments. But most people don't allow the happy moment, because they're so busy trying to get a happy life.

--- Abraham

When I was small, one of my favorite Dr. Seuss books was, Are You My Mother?  It's the tale of a baby bird who falls out of a tree.   In his adventure in trying to find his mother, he runs into a variety of characters, asking each character, "Are you my mother?"

Very often adopted children feel the same way that little bird did.  They long for a sense of connection that comes with biology.  There's something comforting about seeing a face similar to yours.  We all search for a sense of belonging.

I was adopted when I was nine months old and flown from south Korea to America to be raised by Caucasian parents who were old enough to be my grandparents.  I grew up surrounded by fair skinned, round eyed people who looked nothing like me; a fact that my classmates made painfully apparent to me when I went to school.

As an adult, I would sit in airports and watch families greet each other.  I would search the faces of other Asians looking for some connection, some familial feature that was similar to mine.  Who was my mother?  What did she look like?  Where was she now?  Those questions couldn't be answered.  There were no birth records in post-war South Korea.  I was literally abandoned as an infant on the steps of a municipal building in Seoul.

Then one day I walked into the middle of a conversation between two women in the break room of the law firm where I worked. 

"The older I get the more I look like my mother,"  one woman said.

"Tell me about it! The other woman replied. "I look at my hands and they look just like my mother's hands!" 

I smiled at them not relating to anything they were saying, dumped my coffee into the sink, and continued on to the bathroom.  As I was leaving the bathroom, I paused to check my face and hair in the mirror.  The face in the mirror looked back at me.  It was the face of my mother.

 

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There's a certain smell to the Pacific Northwest that's totally different than Ohio.  It's the scent of pine, rotting leaves, ferns, and wet forest floor. 

This morning I struck out on my own to explore a nearby hiking path.  I started up the path with iPhone earbuds in my ears listening to Viktor Frankl's, Man Search for Meaning, until I realized what I was doing.

I was walking through one of the most beautiful forests in Washington State with my mind somewhere else!

The earbuds came out of my ears.  The iPhone was zipped safely in my pocket.  For a moment I stood in the forest listening, being present to the smell, the feel, and the sight of where my feet were; the beauty of the moment.

The rest of the hike was spent in silence in walking meditation.  If thoughts threatened to invade my mind, relentless worms, I focused on the next foot step or my breathing or counting.  There was no fleeting happiness; only a deep unshakeable peace.

How could you find peace today?  Where and when could you turn off the noise around you and within you?

Have you ever had your heart set on something and at the last minute it didn't manifest?  Usually when that happens all the feelings of hopelessness and disappointment flood into our being.  We feel let down.  It's only natural.  It's how long we stay in those feelings that determine whether the experience will be the gravity that brings us down or the springboard for new spiritual growth.  How can we ensure the experience will kick us up and not down?

By changing our perspective.

When we become connected to the larger good in the Universe and live our lives by Universal Law, we develop faith.  Disappointment loses its power over us because we can trust that whatever is happening is for our best and highest good.  We cannot reach this level of faith and trust; however, by judging and criticizing others involved.  That only brings us down further.  It's is totally letting go of our expectations and falling into the open arms of the Universe that we can turn disappointment into growth.

Recently, I thought I was going to another city to do a group coaching session.  The person who was coordinating the event called a week before the date to cancel it.  The disappointment I felt was unbelievable.  After hanging up the telephone, it took me a few hours to turn around my perspective.  It took a lot of self talk about how it wasn't meant to be.  I was being saved from something and that something in my better interest would come along.  And maybe it wasn't even about me. Maybe I was supposed to go somewhere else, do something else, and be with someone else.  All that self-talk didn't immediately change my feelings but it was a step in the right direction.

I chose not to go to that city at all which disappointed someone else.  Instead I flew to Seattle to visit friends.

Yesterday I boarded a plane to Seattle.  The first flight of the journey from Columbus to Dallas was delayed by storms for over an hour.  While sitting in the waiting area, a woman and man began discussing the delayed flight.  The woman turned to me inviting me to commiserate with them. 

I denied the invitation and said, " I would rather be delayed and have a safe flight." 

The man continued to talk about the storm system and that "they" could fly around it; that it was moving north so the flight wouldn't be through the storms.  He had been watching the radar.

"I trust they are the experts and know more about the weather than I do,"  I said.  He didn't talk to me anymore.

The woman mentioned she couldn't decide whether to wait at the airport or stay another night in Columbus.  I suggested she think about it and do whatever felt best.  Within moments that woman and I were in a conversation that lasted over an hour. 

Silently I thought, "Maybe it's not even about my disappointment, the canceled workshop, or my Chicago friend's disappointment.  Maybe everything changed so I could be right here, right now for this woman."

Later while on board the plane, I learned a new phrase - bumpy clouds - a kind term for turbulence.  Sitting next to me was a young woman and her mother.  The young woman clutched her mother's hand in fear during the bumpy ride.  After the flight smoothed out the young woman asked the flight attendant if she had experienced a lot of turbulence during flights.

The flight attendant responded, "I look it as an amusement park ride.  Amusement park rides are ten times more bumpy than what we just experienced."  Then gently the fight attendant said gently, "It's not our time; not our day."

For whatever reason I did not go to that other city, I did not conduct a workshop, I was disappointed, and I disappointed someone else.  Yet because of all those "disappointments", I was in the right place at the right time to help someone in the airport waiting area and I witnessed the simple miracle of profound kindness.  More will be revealed.

How can you change your mind about a disappointing experience to use it for your personal growth?  How can you keep your eyes open to the lessons and miracles that will come as a result of your not getting what you want?

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Make the best of it. When you make the best of whatever you're focused upon, your future will be better than your now. If each moment you're making the best of what-is, no matter what it is, you make the best of it; make the best of it; make the best of it—your future just gets better and better and better, and better.

--- Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop in Boulder, CO on Saturday, June 7th, 2003 #236

Are you a victim of obsessive thinking after the break-up of a relationship?  Recovery is on its way because the first step is the desire to be free!

Obsessive thinking is repeatedly falling into a pattern of thought that creates feelings of anxiety, depression and despair.  It would be great if the obsessive thoughts were positive and life affirming but usually they're not, particularly after the break-up of a relationship.  What causes it?  What can you do about it?

Science suggests a couple of reasons for obsessive thinking:  1)  seratonin levels as a possible cause for obsessive compulsive disorder; and 2) the Hebbian theory - neurons that fire together wire together.  Neuronets of thought form in the brain and thoughts will take the path of list resistance - the rut of obsessive thinking. 

I think also that we can become dependent on stress hormones like cortisol and epinephrine that are released with negative thoughts.  It's like being addicted to our bodies' own internal drug store.  

The best way to describe obsessive thinking is like an addiction.  You have a thought, the thought takes a thought, and before you know it you're emotionally intoxicated.  Some times the slightest reminder of the relationship can trigger the phenomenon of craving for the other person much like an alcoholic's craving for alcohol.  As much as you want to feel better, the craving wins and you start obsessively thinking again.  You feel powerless to stop them.


The first three method below are adapted from 12 Step recovery programs.

• Admit your powerlessness over the other person, the relationship, obsessive thinking and that your obsession is hurting your life.
• Ask to be restore to sanity.  It doesn't matter if you believe in God, g.o.d - good orderly direction, Source Energy, or the Higgs Boson.  It's the connection that comes with asking that's important.
• Turn over your will for your life, the other person, and the relationship to that same Higher Power.*
• Find a support person or group who has the solution.
• Cognitive therapy exercises to get your mind in the present moment. i.e., "There's a blue car in front of me.  A road sign that says 35 mph.  A green tree . . . ."
• EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique, an energy psychology method that releases negative emotion that's stored in the body's energy system.

I like to laugh now and say, "If it's not worth obsessing about, it's not worth thinking about!"  That's years after practicing all of the solutions outlined above and finally finding some relief from my own obsessive thinking.

The break-up of a seven year relationship caused me to be in the deepest pain that I had ever felt.  Every day was filled with wasted hours of reliving past events with my partner, fearing future events, having conversations with him in my mind - I was miserable!  After practicing the first five methods* outlined above a break came.

It was summer time.  I had just parked my car and was walking down the sidewalk.  I was wearing a black and white sheath dress from The Limited.  The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and my mind was clear, free from obsession.  At that moment I thought, "Is this all I get?  He gets to have a new girlfriend, a . . . . "  That thought took a thought and my thinking was once again obsessed with him.  The emotional pain returned immediately.  That brief moment of freedom was serenity but it was so foreign to me that once again I defaulted to pain.  Who would think that peace of mind could feel so boring?

Through the years I've created a number of relationships or situations about which to obsess; however, I now have the tools to return cope and restore my peace of mind.


You can’t not think.  See, Don't Think About the Problem.  What you can do is turn your thoughts to something that feels better.  That simple action begins breaking the neuronet of obsessive thinking about the relationship and can build new networks of thought.  Where can you turn you attention that feels better?  A funny movie?  Happy music?  Gardening? Taking a walk in the sunshine?  Dinner with friends?  Exercise?  Taking a class?  What other methods do you use to break the cycle of obsessive thinking?

What other methods do you use to break the cycle of obsessive thinking?

* EFT was added to my repertoire of tools two or three years ago.

More Resources

Photo by lorda on flickr.com
 

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THIS WORKSHOP HAS BEEN CANCELED.

I'm so excited to be introducing a new workshop for women called Money, Men & Madness, How to Recover Your Personal Power during Times of Change or Crisis! at Panera Bread, 1211 Half Day Rd., Brannockburn, Illinois on Oct. 29, 2009, 7:00-9:00 p.m.

Register online.  The first 5 people to sign-up, you'll receive a beautiful Enigma Wellness, Life Recovery Journal.  All registrants will be entered in a drawing for a Gift Basket valued at over $100.00.

In a 2 hour intensive, group coaching session, we're going to talk about what's keeping you up at night and what to do about it.  You'll discover where you give your power away to other people, places & things and how to stop it.  Find out how to tap into the hidden resources that we all have within us to use those moments when you've been laid out by life as a springboard for your personal growth.  Stop those racing thoughts in your head, conversations with people not with you, and start focusing your energy toward your goals, dreams, and desires.

Who should attend?

• Women who want to change.
• Women who are awakening.
• Women who are overwhelmed.
• Women who want more out of life.
• Women who are HUNGRY FOR GROWTH.

Is that you or someone you know?  Bring a girlfriend and receive a discount.  Seating is limited so register online now.
 

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Have you experienced one of those what the @#$%^& moments that made you feel like emotional road kill?  What did you do with it?

This morning I was thinking about those moments in life that leave us laid out emotionally and what to do with them.  

Have you ever stepped in dog poop?  Imagine you're walking through the green grass of a city park.  After a few steps you begin smell something.  Soon you realize you stepped in dog poop.  Hopefully, you immediately try to clean the dog poop off the bottom of your shoe to get rid of the smell.  You may even go home and leave your shoes outside so that you can scrub them later with soap and water.  You surely don't wear them into the house to track dog poop all over your house.  That would make your whole house smell!

You have a choice to let go of life's crappy moments or let it stink up your life. 

What do you think?  How do you shake off those WTF moments in life?

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Michele:  One thing I do to practice with intention, I learned from Jim.  I was watching him give a speech, which he loves doing, and he came to a point in the speech where he was at a loss for words.

I panicked, watching him.  

Then he paused and said the most beautiful sentence; as if he had worked on it for days.  It just popped out of him.  Afterwards I asked him . . .

Pixie:  Inspired.

Michele:  “Did you realize you had nothing to say?”

Jim said, “Of course, that always happens during a speech.

I said, “that would make me panic.”

“Oh no,” he said.  “That’s when I decide, ‘Oh now I’ve got to get myself out of this.  I have to come up with something REALLY great to say and I do.’”
 
That’s when it hit me - you can be smart on purpose!

Pixie:   I love that!  You said Jim and I give speeches the same way - we get up and talk.  For me it's a state of flow.

Michele:  Right. Yes, Jim experiences it that way as well.

Pixie:  If I have nothing to say, I don’t panic.  I trust and wait.  The next thing just comes to me and flows out of my mouth.

Michele:  Well, Jim decides NOW is the moment he’s going to say something great.  He makes himself smarter on purpose.   So I started practicing that.  I’d get defensive or stuck and pause.  I’d think, "Okay, NOW, GO SMART = LEVEL 10!"  And it worked!!!

Pixie:  That's so you.

Michele:  That was such a huge revelation!  I can decide to make my IQ go up in a moment!
 
Pixie:  I think we’re saying the same thing.  I practice trusting that I can tap into a Higher Intelligence and that it’s always available to me like Jung’s collective unconscious.  I think it’s a matter of faith that comes from disciplined practice with that intention.

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Michele:  The theme of pausing keeps coming up; slowing things down.

Pixie:  Yes, it’s important.

Michele:  Pausing must be crucial to staying in the adult ego state.  Rushing must be associated with regression or neurosis.

I was just thinking when I play really good tennis players that they always look like they are going slower than me.  If I could slow down I would get better.

Pixie:  John says that Larry Bird saw the plays on the basketball court in slow motion.

Michele:  Yes, it's a paradox because you must be fast to play tennis, yet the better players look like they are going in slow motion between points.  Sometimes during the point.

Pixie:  I try to slow things down on the soccer field so I can stay calm and control the ball; not do anything dumb on purpose. :)
 
It's like the Bionic Woman.

Michele:  Right.

Pixie:  Slow motion means fast. 

Michele:  It gives off this calm vibe which is intimidating. They calmly beat me and I quickly lose.

Pixie:  While being supervised, I coached someone who talked 100 miles a minute; rattled off things.  She felt scattered and frantic.  Without knowing it, I slowed way down and picked one thing out of ten to repeat.  It was grounding for her.

At the end of the session, the supervisor commented on the subtlety of that coaching technique.  The student said that it threw her off for a moment which is what I wanted to do - just shift the rhythm a little so she had a chance to slow down and think clearly.

Michele:  I’ve noticed when you are in coaching mode that you go very slow which has a good effect on me; not slow with the ideas but slow like a hypnotist.

Pixie:  Let’s take an example from Bootcamp of how you were attacked and slowed things down.

Michele:  At Bootcamp I get attacked all the time, and there have been hundreds of Bootcamps, so I get a lot of practice.  Once I was at an engineering company and one of the senior people was grouchy about the whole Bootcamp thing.

There is a moment when we start each day and I ask if there are any questions.  He started on a rant about how “this is all pointless and wrong.”

Pixie:  What did you do?

Michele:  I paused when he was done.  I looked at him, smiled, and said, “Ok, will you just pretend this works for now, and at the end of the week if it doesn’t work, you can throw it all out?”

Pixie:  What was his response?

Michele:  It was something dramatic.  He must have relaxed or been surprised because I remember members of his team coming up to me and just being amazed that I made this person speechless.  I guess it was unusual.

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