Wednesday, December 01 2010
Thanksgiving triggered the deepest sadness in my heart. I chose to move almost 3000 miles away from home. I chose to leave my husband. Even so being apart from those I love and seeing photos on Facebook rip open my still infected heart. Until yesterday, I was filled with conflicting thoughts, regrets, remorse and resentments aka as angst over the decision I made and the events that led up to that decision.
On good days, I can think myself into better feeling thoughts. On bad days, I must act my way into better feeling thoughts. Only after sufficiently torturing myself did I ask for wisdom and a new opportunity to be of service. My asking was answered.
It began in the afternoon when a friend came to the spa for a massage and a talk. During our massage session, we laughed and talked and coached each other into a better frame of mind. She recently visited my apartment and said I had "Pixie-ized" it that it had good energy.
Another friend, who is moving after a disappointing job opportunity, clearly needed support after a highly emotional day. I invited her to come over last night since she found my space soothing. She agreed. As a little added treat, I baked chocolate chip cookies. I don't know what the cookies do for anyone else but baking them is healing for me. I silently laughed at myself while I baked the cookies. When I don't know what else to do to help you, I'll feed you.
Late in the evening, my phone rang. It was a third friend. She was looking for a safe place to stay for the evening to escape some serious conflict at home. She ate a few cookies and went to bed.
I took one friend home and returned to my apartment past midnight feeling the deepest gratitude. I was grateful for my apartment. I was grateful for making it a safe and soothing place where my friends can come when they need cookies and comfort. I was grateful for being the nurturer that I am. I was grateful for Dharma who is just as loving and healing as any dog can be. I was grateful that I could just say, "come over" without asking permission or worrying about being growled at. I was grateful for my life's experiences and pain that helps me feel empathy and compassion for others. I was grateful for my life.
What do yo do when you're negative thinking is hurting you?